


It sucks

by herilaveur



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22845070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herilaveur/pseuds/herilaveur
Summary: continuation of episode 14 of the season 16...POV Levi
Relationships: Nico Kim & Levi Schmitt, Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 7
Kudos: 74





	It sucks

Levi was supposed to be off work at 7pm. But what's he supposed to do now? Should he go to Nico's, where he was clearly not welcome. Should he go drown his sorrows in a drink... maybe...  
He walks up the pediatric hallway and turns his head to Joey's room, without even consciously doing it.   
He stops on the doorstep. Joey has a huge smile on his face. His little brothers are eating pizza on the end of his hospital bed while his sister is on her lap. They look so happy.

''You can have a slice, Doctor, we won't eat the whole thing.'' Joey's voice is so much softer than it was in the afternoon. 

Levi's hesitating. They should stay with family. This family that doesn't really have a family, but they've decided...

''Enjoy being together. I'll see you in an hour."

Levi ends up in the ER, but there's no case for him. He knows he shouldn't blame the lack of sick people or accidents, but he could use a little more action.

At 8pm, he goes back to Joey's room, who is alone and sad now. He knocks and enters quietly.

''Joey? How you doing?"

And Joey looks up and forces a half smile on his face...

''Yeah. Thank you so much for that. I really needed to see them. They're my family. I mean, maybe we're not a typical family, but at least we love and support each other. And to me, that's what the ideal family is all about."

Levi is so lost in thought that the boy goes on.

''You know, when I was in horrible foster homes, I couldn't be myself. I had to be what they wanted me to be. So I tried. With all my might. But now I just want to be myself. I just don't want my little brothers and sister to know that. I want them to be loved enough to be themselves."

A smile appears on Levi's face. 

''You're really very smart, Joey. And you're right. Now you need to get some rest, and tomorrow you can show me if you've had enough practice with your video games."

''I can't wait to win over you.'' Joey laughs as Levi walks in the bedroom door.

Time to shower and change, and Levi's in front of the hospital. He pulls out his phone, ignores Nico's messages and goes straight to Taryn's house. 

She doesn't even seem surprised when she opens her door. She looks at him attentively before taking him in her arms.

"Netflix and ice cream?" she asks with a little smile.

"Yeah." confirms Levi.

They're in the middle of an episode when Levi's phone starts vibrating. And it barely stops for five minutes.

''Levi. Everything's fine with Nico?" Taryn asks, putting down her spoon.

''I don't know.'' Levi moans as he takes the ice cream on his lap.

Taryn picks up Levi's phone from the table, unlocks it and types a message.

''Hey. What are you ?" 

''I'm acting like the best friend that I am. I just said you were at my house, Levi. He just wants to know you're safe." Taryn explains "and he tells you he loves you." She goes back up the messages ''I didn't think he could be this clingy. He's sent you at least 15 messages, some of them just with hearts...'' Levi moans and his friend keeps going up the message thread, "Okay. He sent at least four messages with apologies."

She puts the phone back on the coffee table. ''What did he do? Did he cheat on you?"

Levi's startled and looks at her with a black look on his face.

''Do you really think he'd be the kind of guy to do that?"

Taryn smiles.

"No. But sometimes it happens. Well, what did he do to you?"

"He called me a baby-gay" Levi moans, before he takes a spoonful of ice cream.

"Today?" wonders Taryn.

"No. In the elevator."

In front of astonished Taryn, Levi puts the ice cream on the table, takes a deep breath and goes for it.

"But today I learned that his parents are in town. I asked to meet them. He said they have high standards. And I thought he was talking about me. But no, he was talking about him. He said that his family criticized him all the time and about everything... ...and that's why he didn't tell them anything."

"For the two of you?" Taryn asked, moving slightly closer, showing her eagerness to hear the end of the story, hoping it wasn't the end of their relationship.

"No" moans Levi "for him. He hasn't told them he's gay. And I'm the baby-gay? He made me go out with everyone, even my family... and he didn't do it himself... But how can you imagine a future if your family doesn't know he's gay. I want to get married, I want kids... and now I see a dead end...but I love you anymay. It sucks"

Taryn gets up from the couch to get the remote control.

''OK. We're changing movies. I need to show you a documentary I saw on Netflix."

Levi looks at her in disbelief.

''What? Are you kidding me? That's all you got to say?"

She's looking at him hurt.

''Look with me. And then we talk about it."

Levi watches the whole documentary without flinching. He understands Taryn's idea from the very first minutes. And even though the filmmaker's family is Chinese and not Korean like Nico's, he's starting to understand.

When "All in my family" ends, he takes Taryn in his arms and leaves his apartment, whispering just one "I'm going to Nico's."

It's ten past 11:00pm. Levi assumes Nico must be alone, but he sends a message to make sure.

_I can go home, now?_

The answer is instantaneous.

_Please, yes. Please._

Levi goes up to Nico's apartment and hesitates. Should he use his key or ring the bell? But he doesn't have time to decide that the door opens and already Nico's hugging him.

Levi puts his head back just to check. Yeah, Nico sure looks like he's been crying. So he hugs him and they come in, kicking the door shut.

"I."

''I'd like to speak first'' cuts Levi in retreating from the embrace.

Nico closes his mouth and nods. Levi goes around him and sits on one of the kitchen stools. Nico imitates him, with a sad look on his face and tears at the edge of his eyes.

"I'm not going to break up with you" Levi says, taking his hand.

Nico's face seems to come back to life.

''I've been doing a lot of thinking. Clearly, I was shocked to hear that you didn't go out with your family. With all the things you said to me in the elevator... With all the things you said to me when you found out I hadn't told my mother about us."

"Levi, I"

''No.'' Levi says in a firm voice. ''Let me finish. I can try to understand. I understand that you didn't want to have a hidden relationship with me if I wasn't ready to assert myself. You're already hiding with your whole family, you want to be able to be yourself in your daily life. I can try to understand that. But Fuck, Why did you piss me off when you found out I didn't tell my mom?"

Nico sursauts when Levi swears. His Levi's usually so calm. He never swears. Except in his sheets. But never like that, with a voice so hurt. 

''I've been locked in my lie for so long. I didn't want you to go through the same thing. You've been so comfortable with all this, with your friends and in the hospital. I'm so fucking selfish. I'm so fucking selfish. When you wouldn't let me talk when your mother called you, I got hurt. Because your mother lives here. My parents are away, they hardly ever come. I wanted to be able to go out with you in the city without being afraid to meet your mother. And she's so important to you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But you've been so amazing to her. And even more so after Saul died. I feel so lousy around you."

''I'm not gonna say that you don't. It really does suck."

Nico puts his head down and looks at Levi's hand still resting on his.

''I know, Levi. I'm really sorry. My family is so horrible. They've been criticizing my career choice all night. Reminding me that I should have been a lawyer. That fixing bones isn't even being a real doctor. That spending your life waiting for someone to get hurt is cruelty. That I shouldn't be living here, that I should be trying to get closer to them. That I should already be married and have children. I'm the black sheep of the family, Levi. And I'm a coward."

''That's clear.'' Levi confirms. 

A few tears fall on Nico's cheek, which Levi wipes off with his thumb.

"Hey," says Levi in a softer voice, "I love you. Okay? This situation is really shitty, but I love you. I'm sorry you're such a lousy family that you can't be yourself with them. I wish I could have done so much better for you. But we're gonna deal with it, okay?"

Nico's looking away, like he can't believe what Levi's telling him.

''I love that you're yourself, Nico, with me.'' Levi continues ''Most people think you're cold, never show what you feel. And yet I've seen you cry many times in front of a movie, I've seen you tremble when you climbed into my hospital bed, I see you smile when you look at me and think I don't see it. And I'm so happy that you can be yourself when we're together. You deserve to be able to be yourself all the time, Nico. Because you're a wonderful person. You're the only one who's ever seen me, and who really sees me. You've helped me believe in myself and you make me a better person every day.

''You've always been a wonderful person, Levi. I had nothing to do with it."

Levi smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

''You make me happy. You make me better. So even if it's shit, we're gonna make it work. But I want you to talk to me. You should've told me all this, Nico. I need you to talk to me."

''I'm so sorry, Levi,'' moans Nico before he gets up to hug him.

Levi hugs him hard and kisses him on the forehead.

"Nico?" he asks after a few minutes, "Do you remember what I told you when you got off the elevator?"

Nico steps back, looks at him surprised and smiles as he dries his tears.

''How could I forget that. I hesitated coming back just for that one sentence. _I thought this was a teaching hospital_ l." Nico chuckles "That sounds so much like you, Levi. It made me fall in love with you."

Levi kisses him real slow. Nico's lips taste like tears.

"Well, guess what," Levi says, smiling, "it's always true. And the great thing about a teaching hospital is that the doctors teach the interns, but still, the interns sometimes teach the doctors something."

''I'm not ready to date my family.'' Nico says, shameful.

"I know." Levi reassures him "but someday you will be. I hope. And in the meantime, I'll still be here. Because I'd rather live with this than live without you."

"I still don't know what I did to deserve a man like you," Nico whispers before he kisses her tenderly. 

And if two days later, Nico's crying, watching _All in my family,_ huddled up in Levi's arms, no one has to know.

**Author's Note:**

> The documentary ''All in my family'' really touched me when I watched it last year. It really shows that you can be out in your daily life and not necessarily with your family. It's difficult and I'm not saying it's the best thing to do, but I think it really explains all the ambivalent feelings of people in this situation.
> 
> All that's left to do is to cross your fingers and hope that the schmicco couple will stay out of trouble for the next episodes.


End file.
